One of my close friends experienced a tragedy this week. As I cried with her, I wished with every part of my being that I could take away her pain even for an instant. As I have prayed and prayed for her and her family I have wished that I could comfort them how they need to be comforted.

But I can't.

I wonder why I spend so much of time being impatient or angry or bothered or judgemental. I wonder why inconsequential things concern me or stress me out. Why I let these things invade my conscience when they cause me to lose sight of what is really important.

I am so thankful for prayer. For my faith. I am thankful for hugs. And kisses. And kind words.

Most of all I am thankful that I know that God lives and that we are a part of a bigger plan.

I cling to that knowledge.

Struggles

Friday Ben & Max were watching a sitcom in the family room while I was in the kitchen making dinner. On the show the mom was taking her daughter to work with her. When they got to work the mom's boss fired her.

Max looked at Ben and said, "I wish that would happen to our mom."

Ben replied, "I know."

Earlier that day I had came home to spend my lunch break with the boys. Sometimes I think it makes it harder on Evan that I do this. As I got ready to go back to work he clung to me, sobbing. By the time I got back to work I was in tears too.

I have been working for 10 months and every single day it is hard. I love where I work. I love the people I work with, but I hate leaving my family. And I blame myself because I am in this situation because of my poor budgeting skills and spending habits. The guilt is overwhelming.

Yesterday in church a woman gave a talk about strengthening her family. She talked about how she isn't perfect. How she makes mistakes all the time, but she constantly strives to do better. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. I am constantly comparing myself to others and I always fall short. I will never be where I think I should be. But I can always do better.

I take life one day at a time. I can't look ahead any more. I get too overwhelmed. I am so thankful for those people in my life who love me, listen to me, support me, help me. I hate needing help. I hate asking for it. I am so lucky to have people in my life who willingly give it.