Struggles

Friday Ben & Max were watching a sitcom in the family room while I was in the kitchen making dinner. On the show the mom was taking her daughter to work with her. When they got to work the mom's boss fired her.

Max looked at Ben and said, "I wish that would happen to our mom."

Ben replied, "I know."

Earlier that day I had came home to spend my lunch break with the boys. Sometimes I think it makes it harder on Evan that I do this. As I got ready to go back to work he clung to me, sobbing. By the time I got back to work I was in tears too.

I have been working for 10 months and every single day it is hard. I love where I work. I love the people I work with, but I hate leaving my family. And I blame myself because I am in this situation because of my poor budgeting skills and spending habits. The guilt is overwhelming.

Yesterday in church a woman gave a talk about strengthening her family. She talked about how she isn't perfect. How she makes mistakes all the time, but she constantly strives to do better. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. I am constantly comparing myself to others and I always fall short. I will never be where I think I should be. But I can always do better.

I take life one day at a time. I can't look ahead any more. I get too overwhelmed. I am so thankful for those people in my life who love me, listen to me, support me, help me. I hate needing help. I hate asking for it. I am so lucky to have people in my life who willingly give it.

Working

I hate working but I love my job and the people I work with. Weird, huh? The thing is, I will never understand how any mother could choose to leave her children and work if she didn't have to. I know, because I have to. And it's the hardest thing I have done in my life. 4 days a week I am not there when my children get home from school. It kills me. I'm not there to give hugs, hear about their day, help with homework, make snacks...I am not there. Many times in the past few months Max has said to me, "You don't want to be with us. You want to work!" I know my working is hard on him. It's hard on all of us.

I am lucky to have a family who have helped me in countless ways. For a sister in law who watches Evan 2 times a week. For a sister who takes and picks my kids up from school. And for my mom who is Evan's second mom. Who is there for my kids when I am not.

But especially I am lucky to have Ian. He has picked up my slack these past few months and has never once complained about it. I used to have to ask him to give baths, help with homework, make dinners...but now he does things without me asking him. It's awesome. Yesterday, I woke up from a nap and Ian had helped Max finish a project for school. A project that I was dreading. It made me so happy. Max was so proud!

P.S. Have you noticed what freakishly good handwriting Max has for a first grader? His kindergarten teacher told me that she had tried to correct his hold on his pencil, but it was hard to enforce it because he had such beautiful penmanship.