After I had Ben I sank into a deep depression. Part of it was feeling fat and unattractive but most of it was feeling so inadequate and overwhelmed. Everyday around 7:00 I would start to cry. And cry. EVERY DAY. I finally went to my doctor who wanted to prescribe me anti-depressants. The problem was that I was nursing and that Ben was allergic to formula - so essentially I HAD to nurse. And I couldn't take the medication while nursing. It was the lowest I have felt in my life.
A lot of people gave me advice. But the best advice I got was from my mom. She told me to read my scriptures and pray. I ignored that advice at first, but as I became more and more depressed and more and more desperate I was willing to try anything. As I read my scriptures and prayed (almost every minute!) little by little the light began to creep back into my life. I began to feel hope and happiness again.
I think about that time in my life all the time. And what might've happened if I didn't follow my mother's advice. I'm so glad I did. (I love you Mom!)
Being a mother is so many things. It is joy in seeing your child take his first step. It is worry when you hear a loud CRACK and realize your boy has fallen and hit his head on the tile. It is pride when your child hits a grand-slam. Or desperation when he is lost and no where to be found. Being a mother is a roller-coaster of emotions. It is being able to deal with anything, anytime. It's knowing when to hold on, and when to let go. But mostly it is loving. It is serving and loving these little beings that God has blessed me with.
Recently, Sarah asked her readers what their favorite part of being a mother was. My favorite part of being a mother is watching my children grow. Listening to Xander recite a book from memory at 22 months. Seeing Ben's determination in learning to ride his bike without training wheels. Listening to Max sound out words as he learns to read. Hearing Evan say, "I love you!" for the first time. Watching them and being a part in what they are becoming.
I just hope I don't screw them up too much.
